Why Retirement Is Like Having Unprotected Sex

We look forward to it, but don’t know how to deal with the consequences.

OK now that I’ve gotten your attention, seriously, have you thought about having sex retirement?

Like how much time you’ll have on your hands, where you’ll travel, what you’ll do to kill time between waking and sleeping?

Retirement
Life after retirement (Source: careeraddict)

How much do you think you’ll need for retirement? 

Maybe today you think $2,000 a month is comfortable, but in 30 years time you may actually need $4,000 a month due to inflation, medical bills and hiring a caregiver to help you wash your butt.

Helper maid elderly caregiver
Helper ignores elderly ward (Source: STOMP)

Now you know why so many old uncles and aunties eat simply, sparingly, and sleep a lot.

Let’s calculate what you need to save by retirement age

Ok let’s say you retire at 65, then live another 20 years till you pass on at 85. 

You’ll need $4,000 x 20 years x 12 months = $960,000!! 

If we factor in $40,000 for wake + funeral costs and hongbaos for your consequences of unprotected sex during festive seasons, you’ll need to be a f-king millionaire at 65 to die broke at 85.

Retirement poll
Retirement poll (Source: Kiasu Parents / earlyretirementdiary.com)

Oh shit what do I do?

Assuming you have zero cash savings, and pathetic CPF savings:

– If you’re an underpaid millennial at 25, you’ll need to save $2,100 a month.

– If you’re a struggling parent at 35, you’ll need to save $2,800 a month.

– If you’re having a mid life crisis at 45, you’ll need to save $4,200 a month.

– If you lost your job at 55, you might have to completely relook your retirement expectations.

Young save retirement
Savings of young in Singapore (Source: Straits Times)

Isn’t my CPF contribution enough for retirement?

For those earning a median monthly salary of $3,770, and let’s say you contribute 20% of that and your employer contributes 17%, that’s about $1,400 a month (not even enough for the $2,100 required savings for a millennial).

What if my savings run out before I die and my CPF Life payouts aren’t enough?

This is a real possibility no?

That whatever you’ve saved up in cash will be gradually eaten away as you turn 70, 75, 80 … and maybe even run out before you die?

Forcing you to live on the few hundreds your CPF Life pays out?

What is CPF doing about this? 

So now it’s CPF’s problem we can’t save enough?

Anyway there was a panel who looked into this for two years (I dunno why so long though).

At the end of all that looking, they finally came up with an idea to change a horizontal line to a diagonal curve.

CPF Life payout
The older you get, the more you get (Source: CPF Advisory Panel)

So you get $2 more for every $100 you get per year, and the higher payouts as you get older help you as your savings get lesser and lesser.

It’s optional for now (you can stick to the flat line if you like).

You can also tiao the age you get the payouts to start later if you want to get higher payouts per pop.

Only like that ah?

There’s also some Lifetime Retirement Investment scheme which offers lower fees, lower risks. 

But since I’m not sure what the returns are and if it’ll even beat the 4% in Special Account, nah it’s not for me.

You can go check if out if you want, but why not use your cash to invest in low risk instruments instead since your bank savings interest rates are so pathetic anyway?

My retirement dream is gone

Maybe that’s why gov.sg purposely released that advertisement of an ah ma eating canned sardines, to remind us to plan for our retirement, and not just dream about it.


Also published on Medium.